I’m racing along a road at a hundred kilometres an hour. The destination remains unclear, and I still can’t see the final point. Yet I know this is my path. This is my road, and what I’m doing feels right.
For the last two years, I have lived among people travelling along roads of their own. These communities gather every kind of helping profession and esoteric practice: yoga, breathwork, qigong, tarot, astrology, Human Design, transformational games, Leela, shamanism, Tantra and psychotherapy. Yes, psychotherapy belongs on that list too.
Everyone in these communities searches for answers. We understand, feel, explore and notice. Each person uses different tools, some stronger than others, while the search underneath them feels connected.
Other people’s criticism of my path used to hurt. Someone would tell me to skip Tantric retreats and meditate for ten days at a Vipassana instead. Someone else would prescribe waking at five in the morning for 108 Sun Salutations, as if ancient knowledge would arrive immediately afterwards. Their certainty made me doubt myself. Perhaps I had taken a wrong turn.
Seriously, Olga: sex and spirituality? Couldn’t you have chosen something simpler?
Now I think those conversations matter most when we are still looking. I was there. At the end of 2022, I went to Bali to find the practice that felt like mine.
I had tried meditation, yoga, standing on nails and that ten-day Vipassana. The direction felt close, but the road felt wrong. It was like trying to leave an unfamiliar city while the map kept failing and the location marker disappeared. You ask everyone where the highway is, and each answer points somewhere else.
At that time, I genuinely needed advice and direction. I remain grateful to every guide who helped me.
Today feels different. I found the road. For a year and a half, I have felt myself moving along it. At first I drove carefully and kept looking around. With every day, week and month, I gain speed. The road opens beneath me.
In the end, I am travelling towards the same things many of us seek: inner harmony, calm pleasure in being alive, the feeling of being loved and supported, and a sense that we are larger than our bodies. I am moving towards love too: divine love opening inside the heart, love for myself, for other people and for the world.
The world gains depth, and I gain depth inside it.
When someone tries to impose their method or criticise my path now, I smile to myself. I am travelling along my Tantric road. It is vivid, beautiful, magnetic and deeply mine. I feel steady here.
I wanted to record that feeling in words.
